Responding Well

I never know if I am doing it right, parenting. I miss the precious ones when I am at work, and (if I’m being real, here) I wish they’d find something constructive to do by themselves when I am home. But one thing I know, if I respond (not react, respond) from my heart rather than with my reflex-emotion, it somehow always seems to be ok.

 Last night’s teachable moment during bath time goes like this:

 

{Maia screams and runs to me, crying. I go find Noah, the assumed perpetrator}

ME:  What happened?
NOAH:  I pulled sissy’s hair.

ME:  Do you think she liked it?

NOAH:  No.

ME:  Then why’d you do it?

(A few minutes go by; I’m mulling it over trying to figure out the best way to deal with this physical offense when Noah gives me the perfect opportunity)

NOAH:  Am I having a good day, mommy? (Obviously looking for some praise or positive reinforcement)

ME:  Well, you were having a very good day, and it made mommy happy. But then, with one bad decision, you changed the way your day was going. But it didn’t just change YOUR day, it changed Maia’s day. She was happy before you pulled her hair, and now her feelings are hurt and she is sad and angry. But that is not all, it also changed mommy’s day…do you think I like to give you consequences? I don’t. But now I have to think of what consequence to give you, which makes my day worse. Do you understand?

NOAH:  (Obviously upset and genuinely remorseful) Yes. I’m sorry mommy. I’m sorry Maia.

For the rest of the night, Noah was happy, sweet, and played well with his sister. They fell asleep laying on each other in her bed. I forgot about the need to assign a consequence.

Sometimes I remind Noah that I know he is a good kid, that from time to time he makes bad choices just like everyone else in the world, and that even his mommy is not perfect. I will even apologize when I determined a reaction is more harmful than helpful. “Mommy makes bad choices, too, and it is not ok for me to yell like that. I am sorry I didn’t talk to you with more patience and understanding.”  I love it when I remember to turn those very teachable moments into gospel-seeds. When I point to our need for the grace and mercy of Jesus, and the gratitude I feel for his forgiveness every day.

 

Now you know my dark secrets- that I scream, and yes, I will even swat a bottom (!!!) if they need it; although admittedly this is less effective for mine, a lazy reaction that assigns a quick and easy consequence with little comprehension involved. But I really try hard to use bad choice or undesired behaviors as a teaching tool. I prefer to take time to explain the negative nature or consequence of the decision/action and the reason for it. When I focus on the behavior, and not the character of my kid, I think it makes him/her feel like they are still ok. Like they are still capable of good, worthy of good, and they are still free to make good choices. Just maybe this is a more empowering and developmentally rewarding method.

 

 

Why does it matter? Because I think kids need hope. They are just little big people, after all. They need to know, just like I do, that they are worthy of love and that they can make a positive impact on this world; that their existence is valuable and helpful. I think it even makes them try harder to make people happy when they are given grace.

Don’t get me wrong, this momma is a proponent of constant, consistent, and real discipline. I will send my kids to their room to throw their tantrum, or take away their movie/book before bed, or institute the “Consequence Bag” (a pillowcase that ‘eats’ favorite toys, games, and electronic devices when kids misbehave…they have to earn it back. Props to a friend for this one, it got us through some tough phases). Daddy and I sit down together to address major behavioral issues we see cropping up, discuss how best to address them, and inform the caregivers.

At 5 and 2, discipline is constant, for goodness sake. They are still learning how to function in various environments, and let’s face it, the rules change with the environment and the audience; it’s really kind of unfair. But I am trying to instill self-confidence in the midst of the cause-and-effect of their choices. I am trying to be sure their hope remains intact. In order for them to be successful, they have to believe that they can be successful.  

This is why responding is better than reacting. This is why I give myself the same reminder of grace when I mess up (which feels like always sometimes), because my Father loves me infinitely more than I love those little precious ones, and that is hard to swallow. He wants me to have hope, to believe in my own worth. I can make a difference, I can change my mind, and I am able to do, and worthy of great things.  Perhaps the greatest of which is fostering a healthy learning environment for these little humans that live with me.