Mommy-Drunk

Yesterday I may or may not have side-swiped a pole. At a gas station. It may or may not have left a horrifyingly gigantic white paint transfer scrape on my silver SUV. I never claimed to be a great driver. This momma is super glad that the DMV doesn't interview my kids, because they would likely revoke my license.  The incident, we'll call it, was just one of many ways in which this week has STUNK. 

 

I borrowed a DVD bible study, and I am funny about borrowed stuff. Always treat borrowed stuff better than your own stuff, because you want to give it back in a condition that is as good as or better than it was when you got it. Example: don't dog-ear books or crease the spine, *this is hard for me*, if it wasn't that way before it reached your hands. This is so that you keep your great borrower cred. Yes, that is a thing, in my head. Regarding the DVD bible study...the friend wants it back, and I cannot find one of the 6 DVDs in the case. I literally had it in my hand 4 days ago. I ripped apart my room looking for it. I cleaned out my kid-wagon, which is a minor miracle and silver lining to this story, to no avail. The feeling I hate, more than any other feeling, is to have lost something. I feel crazy, out of control, and irresponsible.  I am officially into OCD overdrive right now.

 

 

 Where were my kids while this was happening, you ask? Plugged into a movie in mommy's room. It was a familiar movie, they can probably recite most of it, so of course every 5 minutes they wanted to take a break "Mommy, airplane?" or "Play cars with me! You be this one, what's your name?" To which I answered without thinking or even really listening, "Mommy is looking for something right now, and I cannot play with you."  By the time I called it quits, it was past their bedtime.  An entire evening lost.  Then I thought about the night before. What did we do? Well Noah wet the bed, so I had to clean his sheets, and there was that unidentified rotten food smell I had to isolate and sterilize.  No movie that night, rather, educational apps on the iPad. 

 

 

This week I was "let go" of a volunteer capacity that required more time and effort than I am able to give, and it made me sad. It made me evaluate my commitment to serving others for the Lord. In reality, it was a blessing that the organization gave me this break, because it was not fair to me or them that I could not accomplish all that needed to be done, and now I have more free time to mommy.  I also told the director of preschool at my church that I need to take a break from teaching the class I have taught every other Sunday.  I promptly changed my mind, worried that surely this was a selfish decision and that 'If I don't do it, who will?'

 

Mommy guilt is gently washing away my identity. The heavy and unavoidable reality of responsibility for another human being's perspective of the world is a lot to carry alongside normal adult minutia. I have been a SAHM (stay at home mom) with my kids for extended periods of time, and I am fairly certain, looking back, that I made sure to fill up my time with other necessary tasks and obligations such that I had very little time to "play" or teach, or snuggle, or whatever my insatiable conscience determines makes a good mommy.  So I worry, and I over-extend, and I over-obligate to make sure that it is obvious that I am busy. Why is busy so desirable? Are all good mommies busy mommies? Or do I stay so busy in order to remember my identity outside of 'mommy'?

 

 

 

I know I am not alone. I know that EVERY mom struggles with this. Every. Single. One. But it doesn't make balance any easier. The truth is, it is not healthy for my kids to have me entertain them ever moment of the day. I hear Noah talking to himself in various voices, getting the bad guy and blowing random things up. I hear Maia consoling her baby doll and feeding her in the backseat. I really listen when she plays mommy, because I am overtly aware who she is imitating. Not once do I hear her say "Mommy is busy, I cannot feed you, or clean your boo boo, or rock you to sleep."  My favorite is when they play together. They have an imagination. They are creative, and they know how to make something from nothing because when mommy is busy, they have to.

 

I am very conscious that right now is the time of my life I will always look back on as the best time of my life. I have 2 precious, good, happy children, they fill my life with joy. I have a small and cluttered but warm and inviting house, and an amazingly supportive and hilarious and present husband and father. On a  macro level,  I am doing everything right. Noah plays soccer, goes to church, and has play dates, we do meals together as a family  2-3 times a week. Maia is in gymnastics, and can say her ABC's, both kids are healthy. They are enrolled in a new daycare, Noah is enrolled in kindergarten. Supplies are purchased, birthday gifts are bought and wrapped (maybe 20 minutes before the party, but so what, it got done).  These babies want for nothing. My 40 hours a week has done nothing to impede this process.

 

I will remember that I am my worst critic. I will remember the amazing moments that we create. I will drink from this cup of grace, straighten shoulders, chin up, coffee ingested, and carry on.