I am Love

So, I quit camping with my kids. We dipped out a day earlier than planned. It was an easy decision, really. Kids were bored and tired and uncomfortable, and so were we, which as you can imagine created a lovely vacation ambiance.  I can’t accurately describe how unpleasant some of the trip was. I tried. SO. Hard. To keep a smile on my face, to relax and enjoy, remaining upbeat and positive and finding fun and interesting things to do…but it was rainy most of the time. Rainy, and muddy, and buggy with no campfire and wet sheets on the bed and three out of four of us (Hubs was the lucky one) had a nasty cold.  See? Let’s go home. Easy. Nonetheless, it felt like I was giving up, a failure.  For about a minute, then it just felt good.

 

I mean, I knew it would rain, I prepared for it. We had extra tarps, extra towels, raincoats and boots, and even waterproof fire starters. I brought along activities to keep bored kids busy in the tent in the event that we could not get out—like books, art supplies, games, bubbles, vocab cards—but did not take into account my own motivation, which diminished with each sporadic rainfall.  It is hard to remain positive when you don’t feel good, and anyone’s positive outlook would be deflated with the weather we experienced, so I give myself a pass on this trip. But it could very easily turn into a pity party and appear to have been a wasted trip, if I didn’t chose to view it through God’s eyes.

The kids had an amazing time. They were so excited to be sleeping outdoors. We listened to the rain on the tent, read books and took naps together. There was a beautiful beach that we were fortunate enough to visit 3 of the 4 days in between showers, which the kids LOVED. Daddy played with them in the water while mommy watched from the shore. There were crabs in that water, ya’ll.  Live crabs.  I am pretty sure I saw on their faces and heard in their squeals numerous times what must be the purest Joy.

Day 1: Setup camp, cooked dinner on the campfire, visited the camp’s swimming beach, which was pristine and had a pretty cool setup for family pictures (4 oversized Adirondack chairs that each had a letter L-O-V-E on them), after checking that out we went back to camp for bed.

Day 2: Woke up at 6 AM, hubs made breakfast, went to the beach for an hour, had lunch at Sting Ray’s, napped, drove around in the rain for an hour looking for coffee and cookies. We ended up at McDonalds…who knew all businesses were either closed on Mondays or close at 5 PM on the Eastern shore, gracious.  

Day 3: Best coffee ever at Cape Charles coffee house, went to the hardware and everything else store and met Bill and Joseph, the 2 nicest men in town, and bought a sand castle set and soccer ball for the beach, then went over to the beach where Noah saw a kite-surfer. We had lunch in the car and then drove out to Chincoteague, saw the Assateague light house,  played mini golf and the kids rode a bouncy ride, had dinner at Don’s and found the BEST ice cream I have ever tasted at a cart called BYOC (Build Your Own Cookie). We must get one of these close to home!  

Day 4: (My Birthday) We had coffee at Cape Charles Coffee House, then went shopping in town where I found a pretty birthday dress at Periwinkles, then an early dinner at AQUA restaurant. This was the decided capstone to my birthday and our trip, and as remembered, the ambiance was wonderful! Service left something to be desired, but the food was very good. However, my inability to enjoy the experience because I felt crummy was what did us in. I gave up; waved the white flag. We returned to camp to pack up, stopped by stingrays for some ice cream, and headed home.

I thought on the way home, could I have done a better job at being happy for the kids’ sake? Did I truly make the best of my time off work and responsibility-free? Did I enjoy my husband enough? We never did play Candyland, or take the hike I had imagined, or use the raincoats we bought (we needed them, just never had them handy when the shower started).

Then, through God’s eyes, I realized that the time we had together was exactly as it should have been.  The kids had their family all together in one place. We spoke loving words to each other. We smiled a lot, sang songs, painted seashells, talked about nature, and slept next to one another.  One night Noah woke up crying saying “I don’t want Daddy to leave”. That same night, Maia did something similar. They knew in their subconscious mind that this time together was temporary and they were dreading getting back to the everyday routine of busy, just-enough-to-get-the-job-done life.  

You see, I am becoming more and more aware that my self-perception is the filter through which every other thing is seen, heard, understood, and experienced. My opinion of myself is directly related to my reaction to a situation, how I relate to others, and the action(s) I chose to take.  I am equally aware that my children learn by my example. The choices I make affect their perspective of the way the world should work.

I could be negative about this trip, about being sick and not being enough….fill in the blank. But I am learning that to view myself as anything less than marvelously exploding with capability would at best ignore, and at worst refute God’s work in my life; His presence in me, that is never separate from me.  I am a blessed example of God’s love. I try and sometimes fail, but most often succeed to give that love to others.

God doesn’t value me based upon who I am; rather He sees me as the one He created, and what I have the potential to be, and what I am becoming each day in Him.  God is love. (1 John 4:8) And he is in me (John 15:4), so I am love. And THAT is how I shall attempt to see myself.  

Brothers and sisters, I myself don't think I've reached it, but I do this one thing: I forget about the things behind me and reach out for the things ahead of me. The goal I pursue is the prize of God's upward call in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 3:13-14