Progress

I love my job.  I mean, its a job...and sure, I'd love to be at home with my babies, (most days) but if I have to work, it may as well be for something that I believe in. What a journey. I went from waking up in a hospital a few times in my late teens/early twenties to serving and working in a church and attempting seminary. That's a story of grace if ever there was one.

 

Far from perfect, I am making it my life goal to help others who are far from perfect understand that they don't have to be. I have come so far in my comprehension of God's unconditional love for me, and I like myself SO MUCH more than I used to. I still have quite a way to go to get where I want to be, but getting up and going to work each day helps.

 

I have the pleasure of interacting with loving people, both church members and staff, who try to see the best in others. I get to read scripture and listen to gospel music and raise interest for community missions efforts, but I am also exposed to illness and loss and death. But even in death I see a peaceful end. I see comforted family and loved ones. I see the love and kindness that abounds when one of us becomes weak.

 

 

Let me back up: about 2 weeks ago I found out that the Seminary I was accepted to will give me less than half of what I expected to receive from scholarship funds. That was an unexpected blow. As normal, I had dreamt up a tidy little notion of what funding should look like. I realized that day that I have not even considered how to respond if I do not receive funding for this endeavor. Let me be clear: I have NO money to put toward seminary. I also do not wish to rack up $42k in student loan debt. I have applied for 2 scholarships, which I hope will pay for the majority of my first year. The remainder would be paid for out of pocket and if necessary with a significantly smaller student loan.

 

From the beginning I have said "Not my will, but His." But I am not sure my mind is ready for 'not my will.' Is it possible to put too much faith into a desired outcome? I have been so certain that this is God's call on my life, and that He will provide the funds. Now that my magic number is being challenged, I am kind of just treading water. I will hear about the larger scholarship in June sometime. Until then, I wait. 

 

 

 

Yesterday, when I got to work after the holiday weekend, I settled in and had an early morning visitor, which usually means that something is needed and I am the one to provide it. I am happy to be helpful, and for a purpose that is service-oriented. However, the visitor informed me that the church council met last week and decided that the Nim Lawrence Scholarship Fund, which was previously only open to members, should be open to staff as well, and that although I had not applied, I was awarded a $1000 scholarship. Talk about humbling. God loves me so much, and he just wanted to give me a little nudge. 'I have faith in you, too', he says.

 

I'm still a ways away, but I can see a path clearing. I am making progress. Not of myself, but by His grace, always.